The Suppression of Black Female Sexuality

As most already know, being black comes with many difficulties. Many difficulties such as the global perception of blackness being deemed scary. Ugly. Repulsive even. Blackness can produce shame to those who are covered in it and forced to thread in a world that wants their blackness wiped out.

Obliterated.

Being black is hard, but being a black woman can be merciless. Some may disagree, but this is coming from the perception of a black woman who could never get a handle of who she was while both being “black” and female. With being both black and female withholding you from figuring out your place in the world due to the uniqueness and struggle both bring. Black women’s sexuality and bodies are the most policed in what society defines as its views of beauty, sex appeal, and femininity.

Black girls are typically shamed for exploring their sexuality. This then leads to being labeled derogatory terms and being presented with constant misogyny. From both men and women. I personally believe misogyny from other women is just as harmful as misogyny from men. Black women are the least valued women in society yet we are constantly are being divisive against each other. Whether it’s based on looks, sexual openness, or economic status. Many of these judgments we place on each other were directly placed on us by misogyny. Many of this attack of misogyny from black men. We are told we aren’t feminine enough. We told our hair is too short, our shoulders too broad, our lips and noses too big. We are told we are dumb, and poor. And then we tell each other the same.

Why Do We Do This To Ourselves?

We judge each other based on skin tone, hair texture, salary, and “miles on our vagina.” We do these things even though everyone, and I mean everyone, else does this to us. This world steadily polices how we should look, be built, speak, dress, and even be in bed. When we don’t fit in those boxes, we are either considered strange to each other and unexpectedly different to white people. Why can’t we allow each other to be their unapologetic selves the same way that we long to be able to navigate as throughout society. We are passionate and sexual beings and we should allow each other to free to explore different things and be more transparent about life. I, myself have been a victim of relentless misogyny from both men and women due to my being a “free spirit.” Believe me when I say it is tormenting and devastating to a black girl’s self-esteem all throughout her life. I believe many black women suffer from insecurities when it comes to things such as confidence, sexuality, sexual identity, and even mental health.

I have learned from my own personal experiences that there is no point in trying to please others. It is best to be your honest self because folks will find a way to talk about you regardless. Misogyny from fellow black women is a huge problem in the black community but one of the least discussed issues. It’s time we start the conversation.

We all we got.

We Get It. You’re Colorblind. But Explain How That Benefits Us.

More and more have I been noticing this inclination that being “colorblind” is the thing to be because it means that you do not see color when you interact with others. Yes — this notion of colorblindness may seem cognate to being anti-racist to white people, but to minorities this depletion of acknowledgement of our differences and treatment can be very detrimental. By expressing the fact that you feel you are colorblind you are essentially admitting you are not sentient to the concept of race and why it plays such a crucial role on how people of color are not only seen, but also how they view themselves.

When you say we are all the same, do you really believe that?

Stating that we are all the same does not provide an explanation on why people are treated differently based on their racial makeup. In fact, it instead continues to provide oppression on minorities because it adheres to the notion that there is no privilege or detriment for simply being a particular race. Yes — race is a social construct but that construct has been undeniably damaging to people of color socially, economically, and even mentally. By being colorblind are you acknowledging your white privilege? Are you educating your fellow white people of their white privilege? Is your colorblindness somehow effective in addressing systemic oppression? Until you are able to grasp that there in fact is a problem in how people of color are treated in comparison to whites who are clearly more favorable in our society, I don’t think your stance on being colorblind provides a solution to tackling white supremacy. In fact — I believe it perpetuates it.

What are the actual benefits of being colorblind?

If your reasoning behind not seeing color is because you are open to befriending and dating different races of people, well your reasoning is not benefiting people of color at all. Friendships and relationships are not going to end White Supremacy. Friendships and relationships will simply mask it. We don’t need a mask or a Band-Aid. We need change. We need healing. We want to be able to be care-free just like our white counterparts and not always be conscious of who we are when we are shrouded with anti-blackness and encounter a situation that quickly reminds of who we are just in case we happen to forget. We don’t want nor need colorblindness. We want and need color awareness. Keep this is mind the next to time you think stating you’re colorblind is supposed to mean something.

It means nothing.

“Black Lives Matter” Means Black Women Too

As I scroll through the comments regarding Korryn Gaines, the young mother who was killed during a standoff in the presence of her five year old son, I am noticing an exhaustive amount of apathetic comments from black people. Mainly black men. These insensitive comments insist that Korryn Gaines “got what she deserved” and how her death isn’t moving because her actions determined her demise. Sifting through these comments I am reminded of the eerie similarities of the language to comments which I have seen from anti-black white people, time and time again, whenever an unarmed black man is killed by an officer. Blaming Korryn for her death because of the circumstances is just as bad as when black men are blamed for their own deaths by a cop. Freddie Gray was blamed for his own death. They tried to say he was responsible for breaking his own neck. Eric Garner was blamed for his own choking and Alton Sterling was blamed for his death because “supposedly” he was reaching for a gun. And of course we see this same narrative of victim blaming whenever instances such as this happen, but usually not from our own.

Black men are allowed to express how far they will go to protect their families. By any means necessary at that. A black woman whose residence is swarmed by S.W.A.T. with her child inside is attacked with victim blaming rhetoric because “she may have” pointed a gun at intruding officers. Obviously, I think we all can agree that we wish this situation could have been handled better, but that does not negate the fearlessness and bravery that this woman Korryn Gaines showed unapologetically. She didn’t give in to a system that probably would have killed her regardless if she was armed or not. Her courage is admirable. Her love for her children was admirable. Her son will never forget how his mother taught him to be fearless and not be afraid of or to trust an agency that was not created to protect him. She was his protector.

Had Korryn Gaines been a man, I do believe the language used in regards to this tragic situation would have been completely different. Black men would have been immortalizing the man as a hero just as they did Micah Johnson after the Dallas Police Shooting. Vigilance against oppression apparently is something only a black man can administer and is stupidity if enacted by a woman. Black Lives Matter means women too. If black women are always there for black men when they are shot down, we expect the same solidarity to be shown to us when it is us getting murdered. Black women too feel the need to protect themselves and our children, by any means necessary. We too matter in case you’ve forgotten.

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Image via https://www.facebook.com/korryn.gaines

#SayHerName #KorrynGaines

Stop Having Sex With Black People

I have noticed a trend of white people who like to have sex with black people never actually show their solidarity with black people when shit gets real. It’s like they can fuck us unapologetically but can’t stand up and speak out for us unapologetically. Frankly, I’m sick of it. I’m sick of seeing my white friends with mixed babies ignoring the racist realities of this country that are plaguing the black community. I’m sick of white people fetishizing black bodies when they’re laying up with them and then continuing to objectify black bodies as they lay bleeding in the streets due to a trigger happy racial profiling cop by justifying that officer’s actions. Or just completely ignoring the tragedy altogether.

I am tired of white men expressing their attraction to me but then getting uncomfortable when I start discussing race relations. You don’t get the luxury of trying to sleep with me and telling me what I can and can’t talk about. Fuck being “colorblind.” Colorblindness is a dangerous and oppressive concept that us black people don’t get to enjoy the privilege of experiencing. We have to be on guard at all times because the color of our skin can become our death sentence. It disturbs me how someone can be unashamed to be in a relationship with a black person or produce children with them but be ashamed to post or share anything pertaining to the ongoing mistreatment of blacks in this country.

What could possibly be so difficult about acknowledging police brutality and racism? Or better question, why is it so simple to condemn and criticize those who speak out against it? So you can hop in bed with a black person but can’t post #BlackLivesMatter one time for the gram? How infuriating and insulting this is. Also, for the record, sleeping with a black person and having mixed kids doesn’t mean you aren’t racist.

Get familiar with racial microaggressions. Real quick. Real fucking quick. 

You are part of the problem because of your blatant disregard to our plight and your children’s plight. Yes your children are biracial/mixed but will ultimately be seen as black. Stop raising those babies to not want to identify with the people they will be associated with by default. You’re creating more people who will stand for black oppression when you do that. More people who are anti-black. More people who will associate blacks with negative stereotypes. We don’t wan’t nor need those. We need more Jesse Williams’s.

If you have no interest in taking down white supremacy and eradicating racism, please for the love of God, stop fucking us!

Ladies, You Do Not Have To Settle For A Man You Are Only Content With

As women we tend to seek out partners who we feel can meet our basic needs. Who can provide, respect and love us. We want a partner who we can be content with. Is being content enough though? Shouldn’t our ideal man have us feeling overjoyed? Being content to me means settling and not being fully satisfied. When we settle we deprive ourselves from we what we truly need. From what we truly want. We deprive ourselves from meeting our emotional and sometimes, even our physical needs.

When we settle for a partner who doesn’t make us smile and laugh as much as we know we can, it can lead us to feeling bored and maybe even depressed. Even angry. We may find ourselves lashing out and becoming the woman we told ourselves we wouldn’t. We should choose someone who excites us and goes out of their way to keep us smiling. Someone who we believe to be the funniest man in the world, even if only we believe it. Someone who who can please us in every way and who wants to please us in every way.

We also need to stop settling for a man who is unemotional just because we convince ourselves we can deal with it. It will not last. It will not last with anyone so you can stop only staying because you don’t him to be with anyone else. Men like that aren’t programmed for monogamy. They do not understand the importance of creating and maintaining a strong loving bond with another person. Do not waste your time trying to prove to yourself you can change him. You can’t. Only he can and sadly he probably won’t.

 

When You Feel You Are Too Broken To Be Good Enough 

Having extreme low self-esteem can wreak major havoc on relationships. This is something most of us already know. However, what isn’t discussed as often is how some of us have the tendency to feel so broken that we label [subconsciously] ourselves as not being good enough for certain people, even if they think we are. I have discovered within the last two years that I let someone who truly cared for me slip away into the arms of someone else due to me feeling like I wasn’t good enough and that his family and friends wouldn’t approve of me. My anxiety led to me denying him any chance of us ever becoming more than just friends even though it was quite evident he wanted more. Believe me, there were times I deeply considered being with him, I just could never muster up the courage to make a move or react when he made one. I was stuck.

At the time, I wasn’t as mature and ready for a serious commitment. He definitely was and I knew it. It terrified me. I knew that if we began a relationship and it actually worked out, I would be married in two years. Yes, not only was he was very specific on what he wanted in life, but also very specific about when he wanted it. He liked to plan out life while I was quite spontaneous. I was afraid I would hurt him like I’ve hurt men in the past. He didn’t deserve that. He was handsome, sweet, and charming. We were always mistaken for a couple. He was everything I wanted in a husband, but I just wasn’t prepared for him. I was not prepared for that life. A life with him would be mean being a socialite and a woman with expectations and accolades. I convinced myself I just wasn’t good enough for him at the time. I figured someday.

You see compared to him, I’ve had a particularly troubled life. I carry a lot of emotional baggage and have a tendency to ruin my relationships. I didn’t start connecting the dots until recent months that I am the way I am because I didn’t know how to love. At least not correctly. I never saw how it was supposed to be done growing up. All I saw was dysfunctional love. I didn’t know how a woman was supposed to uplift a man and not tear him down. I didn’t know how to recognize a good man and how to cherish him. I finally realized the underlying causes of my failed past relationships. I didn’t know how to engage with a man who would actually take me seriously.

Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t want anyone to think I’ve only dated worthless men because that isn’t true. It’s just that after a couple of failed relationships, I associated myself with being the problem and that I was too damaged to be with them in the first place. I didn’t believe I deserved a good man. I convinced myself I could never be fixed and that I was doomed to never experience the kind of love that I see so many other people experiencing. I also couldn’t fathom the fact that a man who wasn’t sleeping with me cared so much. I mean this guy did basically everything for me. He was my taxi [had no car at the time], my chef, my personal trainer, my mentor, and my best friend. My everything.

My someday never came because it took for him to find someone who was ready for all he had to offer for me to realize I had feelings for him. I blame no one but myself. I’m upset with myself for not “seeing” a man who “saw” me. A man who saw all of my brokenness and was willing to work with it. I urge anyone who is feeling like they aren’t good enough to be with someone who wants them, to please not allow low self-esteem and past emotional trauma to hinder them from experiencing love. I urge you to put yourself out there and give it your absolute best. I am now realizing I do not have to be afraid of a good man. At nearly 25, I am finally realized my worth and that who I am is good enough. Although I am not the one who ended up with him, I will forever be grateful for him for showing me that I was indeed good enough.