Having extreme low self-esteem can wreak major havoc on relationships. This is something most of us already know. However, what isn’t discussed as often is how some of us have the tendency to feel so broken that we label [subconsciously] ourselves as not being good enough for certain people, even if they think we are. I have discovered within the last two years that I let someone who truly cared for me slip away into the arms of someone else due to me feeling like I wasn’t good enough and that his family and friends wouldn’t approve of me. My anxiety led to me denying him any chance of us ever becoming more than just friends even though it was quite evident he wanted more. Believe me, there were times I deeply considered being with him, I just could never muster up the courage to make a move or react when he made one. I was stuck.
At the time, I wasn’t as mature and ready for a serious commitment. He definitely was and I knew it. It terrified me. I knew that if we began a relationship and it actually worked out, I would be married in two years. Yes, not only was he was very specific on what he wanted in life, but also very specific about when he wanted it. He liked to plan out life while I was quite spontaneous. I was afraid I would hurt him like I’ve hurt men in the past. He didn’t deserve that. He was handsome, sweet, and charming. We were always mistaken for a couple. He was everything I wanted in a husband, but I just wasn’t prepared for him. I was not prepared for that life. A life with him would be mean being a socialite and a woman with expectations and accolades. I convinced myself I just wasn’t good enough for him at the time. I figured someday.
You see compared to him, I’ve had a particularly troubled life. I carry a lot of emotional baggage and have a tendency to ruin my relationships. I didn’t start connecting the dots until recent months that I am the way I am because I didn’t know how to love. At least not correctly. I never saw how it was supposed to be done growing up. All I saw was dysfunctional love. I didn’t know how a woman was supposed to uplift a man and not tear him down. I didn’t know how to recognize a good man and how to cherish him. I finally realized the underlying causes of my failed past relationships. I didn’t know how to engage with a man who would actually take me seriously.
Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t want anyone to think I’ve only dated worthless men because that isn’t true. It’s just that after a couple of failed relationships, I associated myself with being the problem and that I was too damaged to be with them in the first place. I didn’t believe I deserved a good man. I convinced myself I could never be fixed and that I was doomed to never experience the kind of love that I see so many other people experiencing. I also couldn’t fathom the fact that a man who wasn’t sleeping with me cared so much. I mean this guy did basically everything for me. He was my taxi [had no car at the time], my chef, my personal trainer, my mentor, and my best friend. My everything.
My someday never came because it took for him to find someone who was ready for all he had to offer for me to realize I had feelings for him. I blame no one but myself. I’m upset with myself for not “seeing” a man who “saw” me. A man who saw all of my brokenness and was willing to work with it. I urge anyone who is feeling like they aren’t good enough to be with someone who wants them, to please not allow low self-esteem and past emotional trauma to hinder them from experiencing love. I urge you to put yourself out there and give it your absolute best. I am now realizing I do not have to be afraid of a good man. At nearly 25, I am finally realized my worth and that who I am is good enough. Although I am not the one who ended up with him, I will forever be grateful for him for showing me that I was indeed good enough.